A Homily on Cabbage, Carrots, and the Art of Well-being, by Mark Twain

mark twain quoteMore great advice from the stupendous Mark Twain, uncovered from the letters and lost archives.

Written in 1895, in praise of simple pleasures for the discerning gentleman of health.

Now, it has come to my attention, after long years of wandering this wide and wondrous world, that there are two distinct paths to good health. One involves fruits and vegetables, leafy greens, the kind that come from the earth and give your body the sort of power that would shame an ox; and the other is the occasional glass of spirits, which does no harm in moderation and, in fact, may well make a man’s days a touch brighter. Let us address these, for a hearty soul must balance these matters with a steady hand and a watchful eye.


First, there is the humble cabbage and carrot soup—an invention of such merit that it could almost be declared a cure-all, had I the proper authority. I know well enough that such a dish might not catch the fancy of a dainty eater who seeks only the exotic fruits of distant lands, but I say it is the staple of health, a dish that will nourish your bones, sharpen your mind, and fortify your constitution against all manner of affliction. Yes, sir, the cabbage—whose sturdy leaves have withstood the trials of time, and the carrot, that crisp root which digs deep into the earth and pulls forth the very essence of life—both combined in a simmering broth of warm solace. What more could a person wish for in this wild world?

It is a simple recipe: cabbage, carrots, and a little salt and pepper, with enough broth to carry it all together. Some say it’s best served with a crust of bread, but I think that’s a matter of preference. The true magic lies in the contentment it brings to the body and the peace it bestows upon the heart. Each spoonful, my friend, is a little victory against the malaise of modern living.

A slice of pumpkin pie

But there is more to this tale, for what is life without a little indulgence, a touch of sweetness to balance the savory? Thus, enter the pumpkin pie. Now, there are pies, and there are pies, but none so satisfying as a good pumpkin pie, with its rich, smooth filling and that golden crust that cracks like the sky at dusk. It is a dish that elevates any table, whether on a holiday or an ordinary Tuesday. A slice of pumpkin pie is a declaration of joy. What joy, you ask? The joy that comes from the simple pleasures of life, from that first bite that warms the soul like a kindly word from a friend. The pie speaks to a truth that we all know deep down—that life is fleeting, and we should savor every sweet moment, especially if it comes with cinnamon and nutmeg.

A daily glass of bourbon

(note, recent medical advice suggests that even a small amount of alcohol can have detrimental effects on our health – Ed.)

And last, but by no means least, we come to the matter of bourbon. Now, I don’t profess to be a man who shuns moderation—quite the contrary, I am a man who revels in it. But a daily glass of bourbon, my friends, is the sort of tonic that can cure all manner of ills, be they physical, mental, or spiritual. A little pour in the evening, perhaps after the soup and pie, and the world, once again, seems just right. Not too much, mind you, for excess is the road to ruin, but a daily drop is the perfect companion to the rest of your efforts toward good health. It soothes the mind, eases the joints, and stirs the imagination. If it was good enough for the great minds of history, it is good enough for me.


So, there you have it. Cabbage, carrots, pumpkin pie, and bourbon—each in its rightful place, contributing to the health and happiness of the common man. Take them together, as I have learned to do, and you may find yourself living a life far longer and more enjoyable than most might hope. Take care of your body, feed it the earth’s finest gifts, and then allow your spirit to soar with a bit of pleasure in a glass.

Mark my words, friends: there is no better way to enjoy the days given to us than by a plate of soup, a slice of pie, and a toast to good health with a glass of bourbon. If you live to be 100, you will not regret a single drop.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *